Today I feel ugly and sad and useless and small. I'm sick of not being able to communicate with people and I'm sick of living with so many people I barely know.
Teaching English is hard. And it's not what I came here to do. I'm frustrated with the way this program is run, with the political system of Peru, with the language barriers, with myself for being so pessimistic. I'm frustrated that I get harsh words for doing things with the boys without 'authorization' but that when I ask for authorization, my request is forgotten. I'm frustrated that I have so little time left here, and my time feels so unprofound, so insignificant. I wanted to come home with so many wonderful stories, and yet my trip seems so normal, so run of the mill, so boring. This is life I suppose.
I feel small and insignificant. At times unwanted. What am I doing here? What does this even mean and what does it matter? I feel all that has happened is that my heart here has been terribly tainted.
Of course I know that today is just a sad day...a day full of missing, missing Celia, Colleen, Marie and Justin. Missing hugs that are given to me, not that I give, where I can hold on and feel safe. Missing family and stability and safety and the absence of tension. Missing a strong control of my diet.
Whatever, I'm tired and emotional and trying so very hard not to think about leaving this place because that, too, makes me desperately want to cry.
This probably should have been a journal entry, but it ended up here.
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Hang in there Mim!
ReplyDeleteHugs and Hearts
Mimmers - We all feel like that at some point.Trust.
ReplyDeleteWe feel like we will go over there and change the world in a way. What we find is that we are a small part in a very big world and end up feeling like we changed nothing.
But let me tell you - once you are back home you will see how much the trip has affected you and you will see how much you mean to people there.
You are changing the world for the better just by being there! On the bad days I know it seems like it is such a small change how can it matter. But it does to so many people. We may not be able to change the government of the places we go but by sharing and showing people they deserve better things will change. History is a slow process. Give it time ;)
And for the boy thing....that was something I could never get used to was the rights (well lack of) women have in many cultures. It's a tough one.
Love love love you!
You are amazing!
Jenn (from the work email - so not Dave)
Darling....
ReplyDeleteYou are a true Neufeld! You feel deeply, and that is so much of your beauty. I want you to know that I SO get the intensity of your feelings, because we're "same"rs in some way. Please know that your beauty is felt by every person with whom you rub shoulders. You have touched the life of every person that you have even made contact with....I know!! You have touched me with your very presence! I have touched you! Remember that! Think of it as a seed...you are planting. We are all gardeners. The rain and sunshine come in their own time. So much love!!!!....Leona
Carefull Mim, you are starting to sound like a government employee!!!! We here at casa crazy are SO looking forward to shouting, screaming, yelling, crying, and whining about how wonderful, wanted, and needed you are. Consider this your rest period...Working with children in crisis with your hands bound by inane policy is frustrating beyond belief, but you cannot interpret or measure the effect you have on people-especially kids. Although your heart may feel tainted and drained, you have filled the hearts of the kids you have worked with with hope that they can be loved and the belief that they are significant and that they belong to someone. When you realize that, the energy you give out returns to in a different but more powerful way then how it left you. Your trip may feel normal to you, but you have left a mark on the kids you have grown to care about and there is nothing normal for them in that!
ReplyDeleteLOVE YA!
Shawna
mimmers. i love you. this past week here i felt just the same. it is a weird thing. if no other expectation coming in, we have that that we will make a difference and a change. maybe we just expect it to be more tangible than it really is. keep your head up, and i will do the same. there is not a doubt in my mind that the kids you hug, and the woman you touch, feel your presence and if that is even fore a moment, you have made a difference.
ReplyDeletelots of love. enjoy your last leg there.